Explore Kelly Thorne’s powerful journey from addiction to self-empowerment in this blog. Discover how to reclaim your power and embrace personal growth.

Introduction:

Addiction is a battle that can strip away your sense of self, leaving you feeling lost and powerless. But what if you could reclaim that power? In this inspiring episode of Raw & Radiant, host Victoria Starr welcomes Kelly Thorne, a Canadian speaker, coach, and author, who shares her remarkable journey from the depths of addiction to a place of self-empowerment and healing. If you or someone you love is navigating the challenges of addiction, Kelly’s story will provide you with hope, practical strategies, and a powerful blueprint for reclaiming your life.

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Kelly Thorne’s Story: From Darkness to Light

Kelly Thorne’s journey is one of resilience, courage, and the unwavering decision to put herself first, even when everything around her seemed to be falling apart. Living alongside addiction—both within her family and through her own struggles with alcohol—Kelly reached a critical turning point. She realized that if she didn’t save herself, there wouldn’t be anything left to save.

In our conversation, Kelly opens up about the pivotal moments that led her to take control of her life. She shares the strategies she used to step away from toxic environments, set healthy boundaries, and rebuild her identity on her own terms. Her story is not just about survival; it’s about thriving and empowerment.

The Power of Self-Compassion and Boundaries

One of the key takeaways from Kelly’s story is the importance of self-compassion and boundary setting in the healing process. Kelly learned that reclaiming power wasn’t just about walking away from negative influences; it was about choosing herself every day. She emphasizes the need to develop a deep sense of self-love and to create boundaries that protect that love.

In the episode, Kelly offers practical strategies for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships affected by addiction and codependency. These strategies are not only applicable to those dealing with addiction but can also be transformative for anyone seeking to reclaim their power in any aspect of life.

Overcoming the Victimhood Mentality

A significant part of Kelly’s transformation involved shifting from a mindset of victimhood to one of empowerment. For years, Kelly felt trapped by the circumstances of her life, overwhelmed by the chaos of living alongside addiction. The feelings of powerlessness and denial kept her stuck in a cycle of self-blame and helplessness, unable to see a way out.

But there came a pivotal moment when Kelly realized that in order to survive—and ultimately thrive—she needed to take control of her narrative. This realization was not just about acknowledging her situation but about recognizing her ability to change it. By embracing a mindset shift, Kelly was able to move from a place of victimhood to one of self-determination. She began to understand that while she couldn’t control everything around her, she could control how she responded to it.

This shift didn’t happen overnight. It required self-reflection, self-compassion, and a commitment to personal growth. For anyone feeling trapped by their circumstances, Kelly’s story serves as a powerful reminder that reclaiming power starts with changing the way we see ourselves and our potential to overcome adversity.

Embracing Continuous Growth and Self-Discovery

Kelly’s story doesn’t end with her initial recovery. She speaks passionately about the ongoing process of self-discovery and personal growth that continues to shape her journey. For Kelly, every day is an opportunity to learn more about herself, to grow, and to embrace the person she is becoming.

In the podcast, she discusses the importance of continuous learning, especially in sobriety, and how this commitment to growth has been a cornerstone of her empowerment. Kelly emphasizes that personal growth is not a destination but a journey—one that requires consistent effort, openness, and the willingness to evolve.

Leading with Love and Letting Go of Dysfunction

One of the most profound lessons Kelly shares in this episode is the importance of leading with love while letting go of attachments to chaos and dysfunction. Often, when we are entangled in toxic relationships or environments, it’s easy to become consumed by the drama and turmoil, losing sight of our own needs and well-being.

Kelly speaks about the process of disentangling herself from the dysfunction that had dominated her life. She learned that letting go doesn’t mean abandoning those we care about but rather means prioritizing our own mental, emotional, and physical health. By setting boundaries and choosing to step away from toxic environments, Kelly was able to reclaim her power and create a life that aligned with her values and true self.

Leading with love, in Kelly’s view, is about approaching life and relationships from a place of compassion—both for others and for oneself. It’s about recognizing when it’s time to let go and trust that doing so is an act of self-love and self-preservation. For many people, especially those in codependent relationships or those struggling with addiction in their families, this concept can be transformative. It empowers individuals to make choices that support their own growth and happiness, even if that means walking away from what no longer serves them.

Why You Should Listen to This Episode

If you’re ready to reclaim your power and step into a life of self-empowerment, this episode of Raw & Radiant is a must-listen. Whether you’re dealing with addiction, codependency, or any other challenge that has left you feeling powerless, Kelly Thorne’s story offers a roadmap to transformation.

Listen to the full episode here and discover how you, too, can reclaim your power, set healthy boundaries, and live a life of emotional freedom and empowerment.

Key Takeaways:

 • Kelly’s Journey: From victimhood to empowerment.

 • Self-Compassion and Boundaries: How to protect your well-being.

 • Mindset Shift: Overcoming the victim mentality.

 • Continuous Growth: Embracing the journey of self-discovery.

 • Leading with Love: Letting go of dysfunction and reclaiming power.

Connect with Us

Want to dive deeper into the conversation? Connect with Kelly Thorne and Victoria Starr on social media, and join the community of empowered individuals who are living their most radiant lives.

Connect with Kelly Thorne:

Instagram: W Rise Coaching

 • Website: Kelly Thorne

Connect with Victoria Starr:

• Instagram: @victorialeestarr

• Facebook: Victoria Lee Starr

 • Website: Victoria Lee Starr

• YouTube: Victoria Lee Starr

• Listen Now: Don’t miss this powerful episode—CLICK HERE to listen and start your own journey towards self-empowerment.

• Join the Community: Subscribe to Our Newsletter for more inspiring stories and resources to help you live your most radiant life.

Join the Conversation

Have you faced similar challenges? Share your thoughts and experiences on social media tagging me @victorialeestarr.

 We’d love to hear your story and support you on your journey to empowerment.

TRANSCRIPT:

Victoria Starr:
Welcome to Raw and Radiant, the podcast that ignites your spirit and empowers your soul. Are you ready to embark on a transformative journey? Here, we give other women permission to embrace their truth, to find the courage to choose themselves first. Because guess what? You are not alone. Join us in this massive journey of empowerment and courage. Together we'll illuminate your inner spark, empowering you to embrace the radiant light within and show you how magical you are. It's time to unleash your potential and make a difference in this world. Are you ready to step into the raw and radiant version of you? Hi, and welcome back to another episode of Raw and Radiant. I am so excited that you're here. I am so excited for today's guest. This guest, I had the privilege of meeting in a women's networking group called Alliance with some other Soul Alliance sisters that I have recently connected with at the beginning of 2024. I have here with me Kelly Thorne. She is a Canadian speaker, a coach, a teacher, an author, and she brings this unique perspective into the realm of addiction. There's going to be so many juicy conversations and examples and experiences in this episode with Kelly that as a single devoted mom to her beautiful twins, she is intimately understands the struggles of families as they navigate the complexities of addiction. She is here to help you recognize and overcome codependent patterns, reclaim your personal power, and cultivate healthy, thriving relationships, both with yourself, first and foremost, and with others. So with that, welcome, Kelly. Thank you so much for being here.

Kelly Thorne: Thank you. Thank you for having me. I love these conversations.

Victoria Starr: Yeah, this is just going to be such an organic, beautiful conversation as we were talking before I hit record of just two soul-aligned women that have, I'm going to guess we're in a similar age demographics, that we've walked a lifetime before this current moment as of The end of July 2024, I have to look, it's the 30th of July. Wow. Already, but we've walked a lifetime of experiences and we're here to be a permission slip. We're here to be of, um, a beacon of courage and hope that you can choose yourself because you have a similar mission as I do. And one of your favorite quotes is it all starts with you. And that is so impactful. I want to start our conversation with that. What does that mean to you?

Kelly Thorne: Ah, so I spent a long time in blame and victimhood and why is this happening to me and. Just to take you back, so my story is a story of living alongside addiction, but I also have my own story of substance abuse. I was using alcohol to cope with my situation. I was using alcohol to numb. I was using alcohol to ignore what was going on in my home. And I kept pointing the finger, when you get better, when you take care of your issues, then everything will get, you know, everything will be okay. And I got to a point where I realized like I have to go first and you know for me it got to a point where I Call it like the my awakening where it was like if I don't save myself there won't be a me left to save mm-hmm just I was barely hanging on and I didn't have a whole lot of life left in me at that point and so I When I say like I had to go first, like I had to be the one to change first. Yeah. And you know, when I initially started on my journey, I only planned on getting sober for a year. Like I knew I needed to get out of this relationship. It was making me sick and I knew I couldn't stay in the place that was making me sick. So I had to remove myself and I thought I need clarity. I need to like. know what's going on, like really look at what's going on, because we live in denial. I was in such huge denial of the extent of the issues that were going on in my home. And so I thought, you know what, I'm, I'm gonna get sober, I'm gonna do it for a year. And life just kept getting better. And so I'm like seven and a half years into my sobriety. I have no plans on picking up a drink again.

Victoria Starr: Celebrating you right here, Kelly.

Kelly Thorne: Thank you.

Victoria Starr: Celebrating you, yeah. Thank you.

Kelly Thorne: And life just kept getting better. Like the relationships in my life kept getting better. My finances, like our situation of living alongside addiction stole everything that we had. So yeah, when I say like, I had to go first, I had to go first.

Victoria Starr: And- Yeah, it all starts with you. And what I'm seeing, Kelly, is this, you talked about clarity and I'm seeing like this veil has been lifted. And I like to describe it as this onion. We peel back the layers of the onion once we begin to choose ourselves, to choose the hard and know that we can change and we can expand.

Kelly Thorne: Yeah. And you just brought up a good point, like we get to choose our heart, right? So staying is hard. And the fear of leaving and what does that look like? And all the uncertainty, like, yeah, it's hard, but then there's the opportunity for things to get better. Or as I say, there was no chance for things to get better.

Victoria Starr: Yeah. The fear that was within the relationship of the addiction that you knew there was still fear there, but that was a comfortable fear. That's how you coped. That's what you knew, how you knew how to live. And then choosing your heart of the fear of like, okay, I can choose something different.

Kelly Thorne: Yeah.

Victoria Starr: Yeah, that's beautiful. So your journey with addiction and the family dynamic. So you have been sober for seven years. That's so, so beautiful. Take the listeners through like what it was like to be in an addictive family. I'm assuming it was, just tell us who it was and how it impacted and had you come to your choice of being sober for like that first year?

Kelly Thorne: Yeah, for sure. So it was my husband, we like, I've been separated for seven years now. And I spent probably a good portion of 10 years trying to fix manage control, someone else's addiction. And I didn't recognize I knew nothing about addiction, then I was pretty naive. I grew up in a home where alcohol wasn't present. My parents didn't drink. I didn't start drinking until much later in my life. So it wasn't, I felt very naive to what it looked like, how it presented itself. And then when things got to a point where it was like, what's happening here? The addiction became, I like to say it was like wildfire that spread through the home. Like it took down everything that it came into contact with. So for me, yes, I spent a good portion of my life trying to manage someone else's addiction. I didn't recognize then that I had no control over someone else's addiction. I thought, you know, if I give them ultimatums, if I just love them a little bit more, if I say the right things, if I do the right things, then all of that will change and nothing ever changed. Yeah. So, um, you know, when, like looking back, I don't even recognize that life anymore. Like the chaos, the unpredictability, like people showing up at our house at all hours of the night, like looking for money. And my ex was a very successful person. He had his own business and. I watched that deteriorate, but I also watched our family home deteriorate. I was afraid, you know, I would sit in parking lots because I didn't want to come home. Just the emotional aspect of it, like the emotional abuse that goes along with living alongside addiction.

Victoria Starr: Yeah. I'm sure there's a lot of guilt and shame in your part too, like living in that because A, I'm not able to fix them. B, like, what have I done wrong that I can't fix them? Like, and it's that, that whole circular cycle of like, it's me, it's my fault. It's, I'm going to guess there was a lot of that too.

Kelly Thorne: Oh, for sure. And we were young, like when I met, we were in our 20s. So there was an element of partying and going out that kind of went along with that. So it was kind of normalized, but then it progressed. And, you know, as we know, addiction is a progressive disease. So it continued to get worse. And there was nothing that I could do to turn things back. Right. Yeah.

Victoria Starr: I just lost my, what I was going to say, but you had just brought up something about the shame and the guilt and the emotional baggage that you're carrying of that cycle.

Kelly Thorne: Yeah. So we, you know, from the outside looking in, we had like the picture perfect life. We, I was a teacher. I am still a teacher, but I kind of thought like, how can I ask for help? Like, first of all, no one knows what's going on because I hit it so well from the outside world, but I also hit it so well for myself. Like I was living in denial at the extent of. Where things were going like bills aren't getting paid we had people calling to know for the gas bill collections like everything was getting neglected. And everything was unmanageable but the position that i felt like i was in i thought how can i ask for help like i'm supposed to be in a position where i'm. a leader or, you know, people are coming to me and they're like, out of like as a respected position, like how can my life be upside down? So the shame was huge. The guilt was huge because I felt like I wasn't doing enough. I felt like there was nothing that I was doing that was fixing this.

Victoria Starr: Yeah, yeah. Well, that's beautiful. I just hold you and see you and witness that version of you with so much love and compassion and grace because to you, for those of you that are listening, I mean, if you could see Kelly, like she's just this beautiful, radiant soul shining through this Zoom room and it, It's, it's, it's illuminating. So hopefully you can hear that energy and that power within her voice as she shares, but you talk about asking for help. When was, when did that come into your reality of like, I need to change. I need to shift. I need to ask for help. How did that happen?

Kelly Thorne: Um, so there was a very distinct moment and I'll, I'll share the story because I remember it like it was yesterday. So we had just, um, there was a lot of fights, a lot of blow ups. And I remember, um, and this is like, usually when I share, like, I'm very, I'm very conscientious. Like it's not about the other person. Right. It's like, what did I do in that moment to get myself out? Right. And so there were, there was a time where. He threw my keys in the pool like i think i was leaving to go to my mom's and he threw my keys in the pool it was middle of winter it was cold and i remember being on my hands and knees trying to pull the cover off the pool and i'm scraping my knuckles on the concrete and i remember having this out of body experience like. It was almost like a higher self of me looking down at myself going like, what are you doing? Like, you don't have to live like this. You don't have to stay here like you have a choice. And that was the first time I had ever heard the words you have a choice. Because I felt stuck. I felt like I couldn't do anything I felt like this was just my situation and I had to figure out a way to get out of it But then when I heard myself say those words you have a choice. I remember picking myself up off the ground I walked through the house grabbed my coat and I walked to my mom's house and I remember feeling like I Don't know where I'm going and I don't know what's happening next, but I know I need to get out of here. Mm-hmm and you know, I would love to say like I had all the courage in the world and I that was the, you know, and I don't even remember if that was the time because I think I went back twice after that moment. But but they do say it takes a woman five to six times to leave before she actually leaves the, you know, situation. Yeah. And but I do remember like, having that conversation to myself, like, we're not doing this anymore. So either it's gonna look different when I go back or we're not going back and staying. And so that was the moment when I realized, okay, I need to do something different. And so I did go and live with my mom for a bit. My stepdad was amazing. And I think I even wrote in my notes, you asked like what some of our favorite books were. He wrote a quote for me and he said, Good things have to fall apart so great things can come together. And, you know, from the outside looking in, we had a good family, right? Like it looked like we had a great family life, but we didn't. Behind closed doors, it was a completely different story. But I remember reading a book much later called When Things Fall Apart.

Victoria Starr: Hmm. Well, it's like he it was divinely, divinely guided.

Kelly Thorne: Yeah. And so I remember then thinking I have to be completely honest, like if he's allowing me into his home with my kids, my kids were about nine or 10 then. And I thought if I'm going to be here, and if I'm going to get the help that I need, I need to be honest. Hmm. And it was so scary because I was, you know, I had a huge fear of being judged, being abandoned there. What are they going to think of me? Are they going to believe me? But I just remember sitting in his office and like the tears were coming down my eyes. It's like, just start from the beginning. Put it all out there. And then I remember feeling the love from him, like it brings me to tears. I remember feeling the love from him that day. And as soon as I got everything out, I was waiting for the judgment. I was waiting for the criticism. I was waiting to be yelled at. Yeah. And all he said, he's just looked at me and he's like, OK, so we start here.

Victoria Starr: Oh, I just want to cry right now. Oh my gosh. That is so powerful.

Kelly Thorne: He's like, we start where we are. He goes, and everything that you do going forward is going to be like up to you. Right. And I just remember going like, oh my gosh, like he didn't get mad at me. Like it was the first time I felt safe to share.

Victoria Starr: Yeah, there is such duality in our experiences. Your experience was with addiction and mine was with narcissistic emotional abuse and that was the same way with me from the outside looking in. My house, my life living in Costa Rica on the beach, in the jungle, With a pool, everything from the outside looking in looks so beautiful, but in the inside there is so much shame, there is so much guilt, so much isolation, so much manipulation. And like that is the dichotomy and both of these scenarios and both of these journeys that they're so parallel and yet so different. when I chose myself, I received the download from above, from whomever, God, source, universe, divine. I have no freaking idea where it came from, but it was like walking on the beach, boom, I received the words, I will no longer abandon myself again. And it was that power and that inspiration and those words that kept allowing me to choose me, to choose me, to choose me and take myself out of the abusive situation. And so to have the place of love and support and respect and non-judgment and there's no shame and there's no like to have that place that safe haven that you can go to is the greatest gift anybody could receive. Mine was coming back to South Florida. Yours was going and sharing your journey with your stepdad and your mom and just going wow, your whole nervous system is so at calm and at peace because you're like, while you're sharing, I know your nervous system is like waiting for the tension to happen, right? Waiting for that, that explosion on the other side to be released. And there's nothing. And it's like, wow, this feels so good. Even though it's so freaking hard, it feels so good.

Kelly Thorne: It was so new. It was like, I love my parents, but I also grew up in a home that was very strict right like you. there was an expectation of how we showed up and how we did things. And, you know, I love my parents to death, but I grew up in a home where if I did something wrong, I felt like I felt the burden of that. Right. Or I felt like I had to be the good girl. So having that space to open up to him and not be judged for it or not be looked down upon like. That was a completely new experience for me.

Victoria Starr: Wow. Wow. What a gift. What a gift for your body to receive that. That's so beautiful. So that was how long ago? Seven years ago. Seven years ago. That's so beautiful. So like that was your shift. You're in the pool. Your knuckles are scraping. It's cold. It's winter. You're looking for your keys. That was the dark night of the soul, so to say.

Kelly Thorne: And it was almost like a, I don't, I don't need this. Like we had a beautiful house, like It was, I thought I don't need any of this. I just need the clothes on my back, and I need I need me, and there's not going to be a me, if I don't do something right, like all of that was material things right and all of that. Like it means really like even now like it means nothing to me right if I if I am content with myself and I feel whole that's all that matters if i'm not abandoning myself.

Victoria Starr: yeah it's that programming that we receive from I call it the matrix that we need to have. the perfect house, the perfect fence and the this, the pool and all the things, but it's like that doesn't bring you happiness. And so that's so beautiful that you're able to witness that and receive your own love because that's what it comes down to is you're loving on yourself. You're nurturing yourself. You're taking care of yourself. You're creating the self-trust within you that that's the wholeness. Yeah.

Kelly Thorne: And that happened like April, I think of 2016, and it wasn't until November. Yeah, November 2016, then I actually left. So I left at that moment, kind of regained my strength, went back for the summer school was about to start, I thought I'll bring my kids back home so they can have, you know, start the year off fresh, everything's going to be different. And I had learned some things, I learned to have different conversations. And I remember it was closer to Thanksgiving, our Thanksgiving is in October. And I remember going to his family's Thanksgiving dinner they toasted me back in like Kelly's here like they're a family again. It was like a thing and I Was all excited cuz I'm like, okay, he's gonna change like things are gonna be different this time I was so hopeful and I remember wanting to fit plan a hike on the Monday family hike and I Sunday night when we got home from the dinner, he was up all night. He was using. And then I remember that Monday morning waking up and going downstairs and he hadn't slept yet. He was still up. And I remember thinking that this hike is not going to happen. And, and I thought, okay, you, I worked up the courage to have a conversation with him. And I'm like, I'm going to share, like from my heart, I'm not going to yell. I'm not going to scream. Cause I was so reactive in this relationship because I didn't know how to handle, like my nervous system was out of whack. I didn't know how to deal with what was happening. So everything was a reaction.

Victoria Starr: You're constantly in that fight or flight. You're constantly fighting for some sort of normalcy and some sort of.

Kelly Thorne: Yeah. Yeah. And to take that power back because you've lost, you've lost your power, you've given your power away. And I remember thinking, OK, stay calm. You're going to speak from the heart. You're going to tell them how you feel. And I remember having this like whole conversation with him about how I felt. And he looked back at me and all I saw was like. A blank stare. I remember thinking he's already gone, like I've lost him. All my words are just falling on deaf ears right now. I'm not talking to my husband. And I think that's really important for people to remember when they're living with someone who is struggling with an addiction. You have to separate the person from the addiction, because when they are under the influence, you're not talking to that person that you love. You're not talking to that son or daughter or spouse. It's changed them. The addiction has taken over. any part of them that you knew before. So I remember looking going like, there's nothing there. Like, it's you're talking to avoid. Yeah. And I remember saying to him, like, you know, I just thought, Okay, I'm going on this hike by myself. And I took my kids and, you know, we went off. But And it was shortly after that that I said, I cannot stay and I will be leaving on November 1st. Like I gave time, I gave planning, like I just felt more of a resolve then, like this is gonna happen. And so part of my story of coming into sobriety was his parents actually sent him to treatment after Christmas of that year. And he left, to go to treatment for six weeks. And I remember it was the first time, I wasn't living in the house then, I was still at my mom's, but I remember it was the first time in my life where I felt peace. I felt like I could breathe. I felt like I had some space to figure out like what was going on. Because yeah, the fight and flight, it was like one thing after another, like coming at you, like even the text messages, like you're constantly trying to navigate all of those conversations.

Victoria Starr: What was it like for you in those six weeks that he was in support and you were by yourself in that peaceful state where your nervous system is like feeling this sense of, I don't have to take care of him right now.

Kelly Thorne: Yeah, it was. I felt like I could breathe around that same time. So part of what was happening, we had to put our house up for sale, we had lost our house, we were losing our house. So it had to go on the market. So I remember going back into the home to just try to get things ready to put the house up for sale. He was only in treatment for three weeks. So I remember fixing things up in the house thinking, oh, I have like some space and there's a knock on the door. And I remember going down to open the door and I opened the door and he's standing on the front porch and I went white as a ghost. I'm like, what are you doing here? Like, I thought I had three more weeks, right? Like, I was just like in shock. And he's like, well, things didn't work out. And he ended up getting himself kicked out. There was an altercation. It just wasn't the right time for him to be there. And he came home and, and I remember thinking, oh, frick, like, what, like, what am I going to do now? And, and my, my history had always been to run right to avoid situations, avoid confrontation, avoid conflict. And I remember Googling, because he did come home a little bit changed, like his language had changed. He was a little bit softer. We were able to I'm like, OK, well, maybe something, you know, something stuck. And I remember Googling. How do I not send someone into a relapse? Like, what do I do? Because, again, I still think I still thought it was my job. What do I do? What do I say so that this person doesn't relapse? Because I knew he was still like, you know, it was vulnerable, right?

Victoria Starr: Yeah. Three weeks isn't going to cure.

Kelly Thorne: No, no. So then I remember Googling, like, I don't want to say the wrong thing. And then an ad came up. So while he was at treatment for those three weeks, he did call me to say, there's a family program. And my counselor thinks that it would be really good for you to come and be part of the family program. And I remember saying to him then, we're not a family. This has nothing to do with me. This is something that you need to take care of. Like now all I talk about is addiction is a family disease, like the family, like it affects everybody, right? But back then, I just thought, no, this is your thing. You need to figure it out. We're not a family. Anyway, so I'm Googling what to do, what not to do. And an ad comes up for that same treatment center about the family program. And I'm like, OK, well, that's weird. And so I wrote down the phone number. And I remember working up the courage the next day to call. And I was so afraid because, again, shame, fear, judgment. I was like, they're going to know it's Kelly Thorne on the other end of that phone. And they're going to think, oh my gosh, she's the teacher. They had no idea. The treatment center was two hours from my home. No one knew who I was there. those stories that we tell ourselves, right? And I remember calling and she said, well, actually the family program starts next week. It's nine to five, Monday to Friday. Um, there's still space if you would like to come. And I, I happened to be off work that year. I went off that November when I left, I needed, I had no strength. Like I needed to regain my strength and, and the stress of everything. So I was off work and I thought, okay, well, He's home and he's kind of doing okay. So if he's around for the kids, he should be okay. And, and again, I'm a runner, so I wanted to avoid him. So I'm like, I'm getting out of here. And I went and stayed in Toronto for a week and it was in the very first session. the doctor came in and he started talking about alcohol and how, like my ex, his issue was drugs, but the doctor started talking about alcohol and how it affects people differently. And, you know, one person can have a drink and nothing happens. Another person can have that same drink and like bells and whistles go off and like they want more. Right. It goes from like zero to a hundred. And I remember thinking, like, that's me right now. Like, I can't do life without alcohol right now. Like, that's how I'm coping. That's how I'm managing. And I just remember looking around at all the family members who are there thinking, it could have been me in here. Instead, it got to him first. Like the drugs and alcohol got to him first, but it could very well have been me. And that hit me. I looked at it from a completely different perspective. And then the second session was on boundaries. I had no idea what boundaries were. That was something that wasn't even part of my vocabulary. I thought I was helping. I thought I was being nice. I thought I was doing the right things. I was just giving so much of myself to someone else. And I did that in all areas of my life. It wasn't just with him. Yeah, well pleaser to the extreme. I didn't even know what that meant back then but. I remember hearing the girl do the session and I'm like, oh, so you don't have to do that? I'm like, oh, that's not what you're supposed to do? Like, I just remember like learning.

Victoria Starr: You don't know what you don't know. Like you literally, you don't know what you don't know. And if you're living in- I didn't even know boundaries was a word.

Kelly Thorne: Like now it's like thrown around like spaghetti, but like I didn't even know it was a word then. And so I remember going up to her after and I asked her, I said, I want to learn more about this. like how do I find out like what this looks like or how this shows up and so I started doing going back for counseling I did the family week and then I continued to go back for counseling every week every other week maybe it was two hours from my home but it was worth it like each week I felt like I was getting a little bit more learning a little bit more, and you mentioned the onion at the beginning of this call. I remember saying to her, like, I just want to peel back, like, peel back the onion, get to, like, the root of why this is happening so I can go back to live a normal life again. Like, I thought I was going to go back to, like, I don't know what I was going to go back to.

Victoria Starr: But what's normal now at this point in your life?

Kelly Thorne: Yeah. I just said I want to figure out how I got myself here and I want to fix it. Right. Like, there's got to be something wrong with me for me to be in this position. And I remember her saying to me during one of our sessions, she said, well, you know, we can peel back the onion and peel back the layers. She goes, it's going to take you a long time. She said, you know, it might take you a couple of years. She goes, or she goes, the other option is, and she knew I was drinking and why I was drinking. And she goes, you can come to treatment for yourself. And she said, you'll have six weeks where you look at like all of this. And I remember looking at her going like, me? Come for treatment? I'm like, no. There's nothing wrong with me. Yeah, but I stayed open to it. And so I have twins. They're 15 now, but they were nine at the time. And ever since they were born, I've pretty much been a single mom. It's always been me and the kids. The addiction took him away from a lot of family functions, a lot of parties. So it's always been me and the kids. So I thought, hmm, six weeks where I don't have to do anything but learn about myself. Like it sounded like very enticing.

Victoria Starr: It sounded like a pseudo vacation, right?

Kelly Thorne: Right. And he had kind of told me about his three weeks there. It sounded like Club Med to me. And I'm like, you sound like you get your meals prepared, you have time to exercise, you have classes. And I am a teacher, like I'm a learner, I like to learn. So I'm like, if I could just go and learn about myself for six weeks, like that sounds pretty good. And I remember saying to the counselor, because you had to do a test, like a some kind of assessment before you went in. I'm like, I don't think I'll qualify. She goes, I'm pretty sure you're going to qualify, but let's do the test anyway. And so I did the test and like there were so many categories because that, you know, even the codependency thing, which was one of the things we talked about, there is a treatment center for codependency too. She said, I think this would be helpful, this codependency treatment center, she said, but I also think if you deal with the alcohol and the issues that you're experiencing right now while you're drinking, it's gonna take care of itself. And so within the month they had got me in, my kids stayed with my mom for those six weeks. And I remember like being, so I had stopped drinking a month before I left. And I remember being so I was nervous to go, but I was also so excited to go and finally get to the bottom of like what's happening here. Yeah. And I say I always say, like, I feel like I went to university to study myself for those six weeks. It was the best experience. And I think that was really what solidified my journey. It was like, OK, how do I continue this when I go home?

Victoria Starr: What did you learn about yourself, Kelly?

Kelly Thorne: Um, well I learned there was nothing wrong with me. Yeah, um, I and what I really found like when we had our first session like I just laid everything out like I think I spoke for three hours in that group session and I remember finishing talking and everyone's like mouths were like on the floor they're like I can't believe she just said that because I had stuffed things down for so long like I had painted a picture I wore so many masks I hid myself from the world that everything that ever happened to me was like shoved so far down that I was just ready for it all to come out. Like I was ready for that healing. Wow. And that just being open and honest and really vulnerable. I knew I was not going to get that opportunity. Well, I knew that opportunity doesn't come along. Often, like now I'm all about being vulnerable and sharing my story, but like that was my first time ever having that opportunity. And I thought, if I don't do it now, I'll never do it.

Victoria Starr: What a safe container that was provided for you to be able to feel that safety and that vulnerability and just to be raw and to just speak for three hours and like, here's all of me. Thank you for holding it. I don't want it anymore. I almost see like you just like gave it up and gave it to them and they were able to create this this container where you could feel that love and that support and that safety to allow the growth in because that that's freaking huge is to have that.

Kelly Thorne: Yeah, and there was only five of us in that group. Three of them I'm still friends with today. Like they're all living elsewhere in other provinces and countries and we're still connected. And just having that space, that was the first time, yeah, anyone had a space like that for me. And I remember thinking, because there were so many people who didn't share while they were there. And I thought, how sad, like you have a chance to really open up and really experience some healing. So yeah, I think part of that too was learning like what does Kelly like? Like who am I without Like my kids, who am I without taking care of my husband and his addiction? And I remember trying on like different personalities while I was there, never coming down because we had breakfast duties. And I was like, OK, like now I'm like happy and joyful. That was not me like eight years ago. And I remember seeing friends who were like so excited and they would clap for things. And I'm like, where do they get this excitement from? Like, I just didn't get it, right? And now I do because I've created a life where I can experience that. But I remember trying on like this, like bubbly, like loud personality. And I remember someone calling me out. It was one of the guys that I had met. He's like, what are you doing? He goes, that's not who you are.

Victoria Starr: I'm like, maybe you just don't know.

Kelly Thorne: I'm like, well, is it or isn't it right? So yeah, it was it was a learning experience for me, like, because I really just had to learn how to be myself without and I hid behind my husband a lot. Like he was the loud I'm outgoing person he was the one who made all the friends, and I was more quiet and reserved and I hid behind his big personality. So, on my own it was like okay I have to figure out like what do I like doing. Yeah, like, what are my opinions. and being comfortable sharing those, right?

Victoria Starr: That's so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that and thank you for bringing that into perspective, which leads me into the next question is the excitement of rebuilding your life. Like here you are, you've gone through the six weeks, you have these kiddos with your mom that are waiting for you to come back. And like there. Tell us about that. Talk to us about that excitement that you feel and that energy that I can viscerally feel in my body. Just you talking about who am I? Yeah.

Kelly Thorne: Yeah. So the rebuild, I love talking about the rebuild because each year there has been something that like a milestone or something that I've achieved and, you know, coming home. So what we had just sold our house right the month before I left for treatment, everything that, like I used to say, we lost everything, but I don't use that language anymore because I gained. I gave myself back. And then I remember thinking when I came home, I remember thinking, okay, I've lost everything. Like anything that we made from our house went to paying off debt. Um, so I walked away with like nothing and people think that's exaggeration, but I remember thinking, okay, whatever. I still had my job as a teacher. I was going back in September and I remember thinking, whatever I make from this day forward is mine. No one's going to take that from me. And it's up to me what I decide to do with that. How liberating was that? I felt so much freedom in that alone and so much power in that alone. Yeah. OK, so whatever I do, it's on me. Right. Like, I just felt so empowered. So instead of feeling defeated, like, oh, I lost everything. It was like, no, like I get to create now. Right. And, you know, I'm very blessed that I had my my mom's my mom. I was able to live with her, with my kids and I was very lucky that I had there to go. She charged me rent. It was like, no, if you're getting back on your feet, you're accepting that responsibility. And so, yeah, I did have that. And I remember thinking, if I want to waste my money or blow it, that's on me too. So every decision I make is now for me and my kids. And I remember hiring, so just for perspective, I'm going to use the number $10,000. So I had $10,000 that came out of that house. And I think that's literally what it was. So 5,000 went into my kids accounts. money had been pulled from there during the addiction. And I and I felt like I owed it to them to get that back. And then I had another 5000, which I put in the bank, but I had also met and we both know Marsha. Yeah, I had also just started listening to Marsha and she was on. I don't even know like someone's show or whatever. And she was talking about her sons and teen substance abuse. And I remember listening to her going, she gets my story, like she gets like, she's feeling the emotions that I felt. And so I went to one of her workshops. And from there, I messaged her and like, I would really like to learn from you. And so she was my first coach.

Victoria Starr: And I took three of them. So for perspective's sake, Marsha VanW, she has a podcast, Own Your Choices, Own Your Life. And she is also an NLP hypnosis and a podcaster. And she has been on the show and her story is just as powerful as Kelly's. And so I'll link her into the show notes too, because there's full body truth bumps happening right now within me. There's so much beauty and so much wisdom and both of these shares right here. So continue, Kelly.

Kelly Thorne: Yeah, thank you. And thank you for saying that about her because she has been such a huge part of my journey over the last seven years. And I took 3000 of that whatever, five thousand, which was a huge investment for me because I'm like, I got to get back on my feet. And I was new to coaching. I was new to investing in myself. It was a stretch, but I knew I did not want to go back to the place that I was. And I knew if I was going to go forward, I had to learn from someone. who is doing what I wanted to do. And I didn't know, I ended up writing in her book. We did a story, Owning Your Choices. We did a collaborative book together. I didn't know that was my path. I just didn't want to go back to the relationship that I was in and make those same mistakes. So I hired her as my coach and we worked together for a year. And I remember sitting on the phone with her. We didn't do Zoom back then. It was phone calls. And she helps me navigate like boundary setting and how to respond and. Oh, my gosh, like there was so much that came out of that year and like that investment alone has had such a ripple effect, such a ripple effect, because just in what you said, how learn how to respond like my mind is like, whoa, wait a minute.

Victoria Starr: That's such. a powerful tool to recognize is when we're in this reactive mode or when we're in the response mode. And most generally being a breathwork facilitator, like when we're breathing from our chest, when we're in that fight or flight, when we're in that panic, that's when we react. And generally those choices are not the best choices for us. It's when we can slow down and take a pause and to breathe from our belly and our diaphragm, from our parasympathetic nervous system, where we're in our calm and our rest. Even though the chaos may be happening, it's you cultivating that moment of stillness and silence to recognize that you can respond in accordance to what is your values and your integrity. Yeah.

Kelly Thorne: Yeah. And I got the greatest compliment last year. Someone said to me, you're the calm in the chaos. Coming from where you were to where you are now. When I look back, I became, I'm going to use this loosely, but I became the abuser. I didn't know how to react. I'm like chucking phones across the room. throwing, I felt like I was so out of my body all the time because I didn't know how to handle what was happening. I didn't know how to regulate my nervous system. I didn't know how to just even get in touch with like, okay, take a minute, right? Like I was just so reactive, so.

Victoria Starr: Thank you for sharing that. I wanna drop into, cause I wanna be mindful of the time here too, Kelly. I wanna drop into, where you are now, seven years now has passed, where you are now, what has life been like since? And let's talk about how you're able to hold space for other people.

Kelly Thorne: Okay, yeah, so I think it's really important to mention that you can completely change your life regardless of what they do with their addiction. My ex is still struggling with his addiction, but the way I respond to it, I lead with love, like part of what I do is teach women how to continue to love themselves, but also, you know, let go with love, too. You don't have to be attached to the situation. You don't have to be attached to the chaos. You can still love from afar. And the way that I have, you know, conversations with him now, there are completely different than they were before. So I think it's really important, like just because you completely change your life, it's not guaranteed that they're going to. And if I continue to wait, I would be still in the same place, right? So sorry, what was the other part that you wanted me to talk about?

Victoria Starr: Where you are now and how you hold space for other people as they're navigating similar situations.

Kelly Thorne: So a few things that I've been doing lately is I run a program for women. It's called Elevate, and it teaches them how to rebuild their life, choose themselves again, reclaim their power because we give so much of it away. And part of the process over the last seven years, there were times where I would fall into that pattern of like, not doing things for myself because of the weight of, you know, I carried the weight of what they were doing or their behaviors. And then I would have to bring myself back, like, wait a minute, just because they're doing that doesn't mean you're going to stop everything you're doing over here. Yeah. So I really teach women how to reclaim their power and really reclaim their life and start choosing themselves again. And so that's what I'm doing now. That's so beautiful. Healing circles for women.

Victoria Starr: Tell me about the healing circle.

Kelly Thorne: Yeah. So it's so there's two ways that I'm offering this. One is in person. I'm in Niagara, Ontario. So I'm offering it in person, but I'm also going to be offering it online in the fall because a lot of women that I've gotten to know her, you know, this world is so big, but it's also brought us together, like just being connected with all the people that are in my life now. So the healing circle is an eight week healing circle program where it really teaches women how to reconnect with themselves. And again, like learn how to navigate the chaos and be the calm.

Victoria Starr: I love that, I love that. You have shared so many valuable juicy nuggets. And like one of the ones that's standing out for me really big right now is just the fact that your ex is still living in that reality of the abuse. And here you are, this calm soul that is able to send love, send guidance, send energy, but also stay within your own power and your own empowerment. And that is such a, such a beautiful duality to be in that space of. And I'm sure there's days where like you falter, but you have the tools and you have the knowledge and you have the support system to be able to lean on those people and, and those tools too. So, um, one last question I ask all my guests that are on the show, um, if you could go back to a younger version of yourself, how old would she be? And what would you tell her? Oh,

Kelly Thorne: Five is coming to me, the age five. And I would tell her to always choose yourself. Don't abandon yourself for someone else.

Victoria Starr: I love that. Well, I'm sending your five-year-old self lots of love, and I'm sending you lots of love. Tell the listeners how they can connect with you. How can they reach you? How can they follow your journey?

Kelly Thorne: Yeah, you can find me on Instagram at W Rise Coaching, and I'm also on Facebook as Kelly Thorne, and I do a lot of my sharing and teaching on there.

Victoria Starr: I love it. All right. Well, I will drop those links into the show notes. And thank you so much, Kelly, for being here. I am so grateful for you opening up and sharing your story of raw and vulnerable and being a permission slip of light and love and just that we can as women choose ourselves. So thank you for being here. Thank you. Yep. Until next time, everyone stay tuned for all the juicy details that are going to come up on the next solo episode. I am so grateful that you are here. Like, rate, review, do all the things so that we can continue to be a permission slip for other people to choose themselves and extend the ripple as far and wide as we possibly can. You are the heart and soul of Living Raw and Radiant. Take this energy, this courage, and infuse it into every moment of your life. Remember, you have the permission to choose you. I invite you to stay connected, keep shining your light, and continue to embody the essence of Living Raw and Radiant. Together, we are igniting a movement of empowerment, authenticity, and soulful living. Until next time, my friends, keep living your soul's desires.