Welcome back to Raw & Radiant podcast Ep.022, [click here to listen now] where we dive deep into the stories and insights that inspire, empower, and ignite your inner light. This week, I had the absolute pleasure of hosting the incredible Marsha VanW, a true powerhouse of resilience and authenticity. In this episode, Marsha shares her transformative journey of navigating teen substance abuse as a parent and discovering the profound power of vulnerability.

Embrace Your Vulnerability and Shine Bright

Marsha’s Raw Journey

Marsha’s story is nothing short of awe-inspiring. She takes us through the raw and real experiences of dealing with teen substance abuse that tore her family apart. Through the struggles and fears, Marsha found herself at a crossroads, and her journey of transformation began. Her story is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the incredible changes that can happen when we embrace our vulnerability.

The Power of Vulnerability

“When we show up vulnerably, that’s when we show our light, and that gives other women permission to have the courage and bravery to show up for themselves.” – Marsha VanW

Marsha beautifully articulates how vulnerability is not about others but about sharing parts of ourselves. It’s in these moments of raw honesty that we allow our true light to shine, empowering others to do the same. Marsha’s insights remind us that vulnerability is our superpower, a tool for building deep connections and fostering a supportive community.

Filling Your Cup to Overflow

One of the most impactful analogies Marsha shared is the idea of filling your cup to overflow. She emphasizes the importance of self-care and how daily rituals like movement, journaling, and mindful practices can help keep our cups full. It’s all about giving from our overflow, ensuring that we’re not depleting ourselves in the process.

“You get to fill your cup however fills your cup.” – Marsha VanW

NLP Magic and Inner Child Healing

Marsha’s journey also introduced us to the transformative power of neurolinguistic programming (NLP). Through NLP, she learned to reprogram her subconscious mind, embrace positive thoughts, and let go of limiting beliefs. This process was pivotal in her healing journey, allowing her to step into a place of self-forgiveness and self-trust.

Breathwork: A Path to Healing

Breathwork emerged as a powerful tool in Marsha’s story. She discusses how breathwork helps process trauma, build resilience, and deepen self-trust. These practices are not just about breathing but about connecting deeply with ourselves and our inner experiences, paving the way for profound healing and growth.

Takeaways and Practical Tips

1. Embrace Your Truth: Show up vulnerably and let your light shine. It’s through our authenticity that we empower others.
2. Self-Trust & Self-Care: Build self-trust by prioritizing self-care. Find daily rituals that help keep your cup full.
3. Healing Through Breathwork: Incorporate breathwork into your routine to process trauma and build emotional resilience.
4. Radical Responsibility: Take ownership of your choices and your healing journey. Empower yourself to create the life you desire.

Meet Marsha VanW [grab your headphones & tune in here]

Marsha Vanwynsberghe is a Storytelling NLP Trainer, Speaker, Publisher, and Author, and a 2xs Podcaster. She is the 6-time Bestselling Author of “When She Stopped Asking Why,” where she shares her lessons as a parent dealing with teen substance abuse that tore her family unit apart. Marsha has been published 7 times, including her most recent co-platform, Every Body Holds A Story. She is on a mission to help women and men speak, share, and publish their stories.

Through her tools, OUTSPOKEN NLP certification, programs, coaching, and podcast, Marsha teaches the power of Radical Responsibility and Owning Your Choices in your own life. She empowers people to heal and own their stories, be conscious leaders, and build platform businesses that create massive impact.

Join Me on This Empowering Journey

This episode with Marsha VanW is a beacon of inspiration, reminding us of the transformative power of vulnerability, self-trust, and community. We invite you to listen to the full episode and reflect on your own journey. Prioritize self-care, embrace your truth, and unlock your radiant light.

Stay connected, keep shining, and remember: vulnerability is the new black! 🌟

Tune In Now: Listen to the Episode

🎁 Share this podcast episode on Instagram or Facebook in the month of June 2024, tag @victorialeestarr, and enter a drawing for a FREE 60-minute virtual breathwork session. 

Drawing will take place July 1, 2024.🎁

Let's spread the word and support more women on their journey to self-discovery.

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TRANSCIPT: 

Victoria Starr:
Hmm. I'm so grateful to be here, Victoria. Seriously. Thank you.

Victoria Starr: Yeah. You're so welcome. Um, yeah, saying yes to being in this space of this rawness. And I, um, had the opportunity to listen to a podcast that you were on, um, and that you were the guest on and it just struck a chord within me, your vulnerability and sharing the story and something that really, really resonated with me is when we show up vulnerably, That's when we show our light and that's where we like really expand the light that's within us. And that gives other women permission to have the courage and have the bravery to show up for themselves so that they can shine their light too.

Marsha VanW: It's permission. It's like you're granting permission for others to see what's possible. And it's such a, it's such a beautiful thing. I know it can be scary if you've never done it before. And it feels like, well, I tried to be vulnerable, but I also, you know, didn't wasn't met with the most support. And so maybe it's not for me. I get that I actually think you will most likely be vulnerable with the wrong people first until you figure out what is the right people like who are the right people to be vulnerable with. Because I think, like, everybody, you have to be vulnerable with people who have earned the right to hear your story. It's not everyone. It's like certain people. But I know in the beginning, I definitely did get it wrong until I started to learn, wait, who do I want to share this with? Who do I connect this with? Because we have to build ourselves up to be able to share it. Because I mean, vulnerability hangover is absolutely real. It is 100% real. And if we just go out and blindly share it everywhere, with the wrong intention, I don't think that's what vulnerability is. And so it's a really, I think we learn the hard way what it is and what it isn't.

Victoria Starr: Yeah. Yeah. Totally can speak to that. And even like, even for myself and my own past, learning the lessons of who I have been vulnerable with and how it's literally bit me in the ass and not served me, right? So creating that safe container, the trust, the trust within a community and a tribe, and just leaning in on that vulnerability piece, like you said, and within our body creating that trust comes back to your book, right?

Marsha VanW: Let's talk about your book. It does. And I just want to say one quick thing exactly like you just said there is that we can't practice vulnerability with others until, like we can't do anything outside of ourselves until we can do it within ourselves first. It's impossible. And so me in the early stages of being vulnerable everywhere, I didn't have trust within myself yet. I didn't have that. And so it comes from the wrong energy, even though we mean well, we have to build that self-trust within ourself first. So that I feel is something that I've learned a thousand times over. in so many different ways. My book is called When She Stopped Asking Why, my solo book. And when I wrote that was back in, it was published in 2017, which is crazy. It's going to be seven years now. And I had this feeling I had done three collaborative chapters. I had shared my story on a couple of small stages. And I was really into yoga at that time. And I was doing a deep meditation at one point. And I had this download of, it's time to write your own book. And I was so excited because I felt so clear, intuitive, that's what the message was. And I always say, be very mindful who you share. your deep lessons with because not everybody is on the same path or trajectory that you are and I remember telling my husband and he's always been very supportive but he had that look at with me of like are you sure you want to do this because like that's really putting yourself out there and also to put into context you know they say don't share from your wounds right share from your scars well we were still in it and so it's not like it had passed we were in the experience So I really like, I often think back to the gut feeling to write my book at that time made no logical sense. It actually made no logical sense. It was an intuitive hit that it was time to do it. And when I went then to share it with extended family, what I was doing, all I got was you're crazy. That's nuts. We don't do that. We don't talk about our stories. And I remember not wanting to do it multiple times over and thinking that maybe they're right, maybe I shouldn't do it. And all I kept hearing was this solid, like, it's time, you have to do this. So when you have those downloads, I think we can waste a lot of time trying to get them to make sense. And none of it made sense, like none of it absolutely made any sense at that time. So now when I'm in a situation of like, I have a download to do something that doesn't make sense, I immediately go to where was there evidence before that I did this, I felt this, and I followed through. So I did write my book. And in a blessing, I probably spent most of the year by myself, writing the book, editing it, because no one could see the vision that I had for it. And they were never going to. So if you're waiting for someone to see the vision, they're not going to. I always love one of my favorite quotes is it's, it's, it's your call. It's your calling. It's not a conference call. No one else is supposed to see it. And so you have to see it. So I spent that year mostly by myself, my husband, I had maybe one or two friends that were very supportive during that time. And I wrote the book, edited it, got it out there. And as I did that, I really spent the year before it released, sharing more of my own vulnerable story and message. Like I was online, I was sharing You know, the raw and the real, I really was. I was sharing those pieces. I started doing a lot of Facebook Lives probably a couple years before that, and I was just letting people see what this journey was like. So I didn't, it wasn't a plan. I wasn't strategic by any means. I was just being open and vulnerable. But what it did do is it allowed people to get on board to support the vision. right, let them see what it was that I wanted to create. So I was very excited through the process. I have so many lessons that I learned during the book. But even when it released, it was a moment of nothing prepared me for what I needed to who I needed to become in the process. And I think that's a piece why I'm so passionate about helping people today is it's not about writing the book. Anybody can, you can write a book and put it out there. Can you become the person who can openly and honestly like own it, share it, speak it, not freak out when people ask you about it. You have to grow into that version. And I grew into it a really hard way. It was definitely, it was exciting because all of a sudden it was like lots of exposure, news, radio, TV, like a lot of exposure. But I was like, whoa, this is just a lot. It was a lot. I mean, I still am an introvert at heart. And so it was a lot to take in. But I am grateful for those lessons because it taught me so much. And those lessons continue with me today.

Victoria Starr: Yeah, I can see, as you're talking about it, I literally can see the pages of the book as an unpacking, as a peeling back of the layers of the growth that you, I'm sure, experienced within that year, and then some too, right? As more people bring forth parts of the book to you, there's still more lessons, and we're only able to see and receive the lessons when we're in the right place at the right time. You know, like when we're ready to receive them is when we are open to receiving them. Wow, so many different directions that I'd love to go on this journey. But before we go any further, I know in the last podcast that you shared that you want to normalize the difficult stories and your story is difficult and your story is so raw. and I think it just gives such context to what the book, your book, talks about. So if you are open to sharing however much you feel called to, I am here to receive it, and so is my community. Beautiful.

Marsha VanW: Absolutely. So normal family. I would say we were a very normal family. Busy kids, lots of sports, all the things. I mean, we had jobs, we were doing things we loved, And I have gone through a tremendous number of health challenges. That's the only thing I can look back at. And I don't say that in reference to, well, that's why this happened. Cause some people will misconstrue that we, you know, humans were funny. We like to know a reason why things are happening, why they are. And we're not, that's not how it works. And so I was going through a lot of health challenges at the time. And I also had a tremendous amount of stress. During that time, we started to experience a lot of pot in the house and a lot of that was, and it might sound like this is where it gets really interesting because so many people say, ah, it's a phase, they just pass, it's all good. We never experienced any of that. It was never that for us. It was never a phase that came in. It came in and it just like, just blew up like a monster, really fast, really hard, no real change in that process. And during that time, it was like, I don't, I don't understand what's happening. So I think I spent, I can say I probably spent three years, at least, where I was trying to figure out where can I get help? Who can I ask? I wasn't hiding, in a sense, from the schools, from social support, trying to find a way to get solutions. While at the same time, I was hiding in my everyday life. My clients didn't know what was happening. I mean, I figured nobody knew, but everybody knew. Like it was, that's how life works. And I thought nobody knew. I was just gonna, you know, put the face on, carry that armor. I've got it. I can figure this out. And, you know, because I spent my life feeling like that was the badge of honor. Like if you were strong through difficult times, you were strong. Like you and I are in the same. I just turned 54. We're in this age bracket of time where it is this space that, you know, we're in this space of we're meant to be strong. We're meant to be stoic. We're meant to not show, not meant to ask for help. And good God, don't you dare share that you are struggling. Like, and I remember hearing from families saying, you can't do this. You just can't. we don't share the difficult things in life. And I thought, but that's why we're in the space that we're in. Like, I really feel like the reason we all feel alone is because we're not sharing the day-to-day struggles. Even when it comes to social media, you plug it online and you look and it's like, oh my God, they're killing it. Like, no, you're looking at like five seconds of their day that they've curated and put on a little square for you to see. So it's this interesting dynamic where we feel like everyone else is killing it and we're not. yeah it's not true that is just don't be weak don't show weakness because that is it's less than it's so and i know not everybody understands this because i have friends in my life going back to what you spoke about earlier victoria is this Like, I'm excited to see women in my age bracket in programs because it's been a long haul where I have not seen that at all. Like, I've been in programs multiple times where, you know, people are two decades below me. Nothing wrong with that. But I want to share, they'll be, you know, saying like, I'm so late to the game. I'm so late to the game. I'm like, God, God, like, hold up. Hold up here!

Victoria Starr: Hold up!

Marsha VanW: If they're feeling late, like, I'm screwed.

Victoria Starr: Oh god, I might as well just die now! Right?

Marsha VanW: And it's just this whole mindset of like, I'm so late to the game. I also know, sidetracked that I couldn't do the work I'm doing if I hadn't experienced the lessons that I learned. So I'm essentially right on time, but it is that feeling of it. And so I really wanted to be in a space of sharing my intention for writing was how did I get through a difficult time in my life? And when your plan doesn't go according to plan, when your life plan doesn't go according to plan, what do you do? Honestly, that's always our life plan doesn't go according to plan. It never does. And so those are the things is okay, great. So this goes wrong. What do we do to navigate it? And so I decided to share that journey. And I think it's a blessing that my I had the intention of the book being very simple. I just very, very simple. I wanted it to be something that could be read in a, you know, a couple hours of time, very like, what do I do and navigate? And so it, it actually essentially was very simple, but simple is good. It's relatable. It's relatable. And I wanted to share my journey as a parent, not my kid's story, my journey. And that's what vulnerability is. Vulnerability is not about other people. It is about sharing parts of ourselves. Yeah.

Victoria Starr: Yeah. So in sharing your story and you're sharing your vulnerability, like I know it took courage and it took bravery to step into that platform, but prior to that, prior to being in in our world, in our demographics, age demographics, like everything was, all the emotions were shoved under the rug. Like we never talked about it. You don't show weakness, like you already said. And then there had to come a point, Marcia, that I don't want to snap my fingers and say it switched, but there had to be some sort of light bulb moment, some sort of aha, some sort of awakening where you're like, this shit is not going right. I need to do something different. Where was that for you?

Marsha VanW: Yeah, that was a really difficult point in my life. I can say that for certain. That was at a really difficult point. When we are going through challenges or trauma, we are wired to manufacture, like, what is the worst case scenario that's going to happen? How am I going to navigate the worst case scenario? And we see it, we see it, we see it, and we navigate it, right? And It's so interesting because we're also wired to keep ourselves safe, to keep ourselves protected. And one of the best ways to do that is to be ready for when things go wrong. Like, so we think we prepare for all of the things that are going to go wrong. And I often say that there's no book that prepared me for what I walk through. Like it's, it is just a fallacy. It's not real. And so I had this time where it was like, I was so afraid of losing my voice, like losing them. And trying to protect them trying to keep things safe but trying to navigate this. And then there was a point in time where what I will say is is that we almost lost them both a couple of days apart, and both things happened in my own home, and when they both happened here. which was the thing I was most afraid of, right? You are most afraid of when you're dealing with any kind of addictive behaviors, you're afraid of, you know, trigger warning, afraid of suicide, afraid of overdose, afraid of losing them. Both things almost happened inside of our home, inside of a couple of days of each other. And that was a moment that was like, here's, this is what I was worried about. This is exactly what I was afraid of. That was my drop to the floor moment. Literally, I say drop to the floor where I sat there and I'm like, we're done. We're done. We're done doing it the way that we've been doing it. We weren't, I wouldn't say that we were enabling, we were fighting a system nonstop. And we were in this space of our ways, not working like it's just not working anymore. So we have to do something different. Unfortunately, I can just say that, I mean, in Canada, things are a little different than the States, but with here. You know, as parents, when you're navigating something like this, you are really on your own. Like at that point in time, the schools were passing them, you know, please just turn the other eye until they're 18 years old. And so there's no point where anything that they're doing has any consequence. And really simply, there's no human who makes a change in their life without a consequence. We all need a consequence. And so everything had to fall until all of a sudden it was this, okay, this is what we're doing. Now, I do want to share being raw and explaining this piece of it. I didn't know this until after. When things were the most chaotic, I became super clear, like actually like so clear. I'm like, okay, well, this is what we do next. This is just that my husband was just like, wait, how are you doing this? And I'm like, this is what we do next. It wasn't until years later through a lot of counseling and support that I really learned that when you grow through a lot of trauma in your early ages, you learn how to respond. Very distinctly when things happen, like that's actually a trauma response. I didn't know that, that that's how I respond. So I was very clear in those moments, actually, like the most. Difficult times were the times where I felt the most succinct and clear of what we're doing. And so that was a moment where I was like, we're done doing it this way. We're changing. We're not doing it anymore. This is how it is. And I became very, you know, do I, did I make mistakes in the process? A hundred percent. I did. I own that. I say that, but I was always very clear about what was okay, what was okay in our house, what life was, what our expectations were. And so it was really just navigating those pieces. And that was probably the turning point for me in creating change. But another big turning point, if I can share really quickly, is this piece that I couldn't figure out how, as I wrote my book, I could not figure out how to forgive my kids. I want to be really honest with this piece. I could not figure out how to forgive them because I had a lot of frustration and anger and resentment in that, like, I didn't sign up for this. This is not what I wanted. Like, why did we have to do with this? I'm looking at all of my friends and posting their pictures and having their wonderful families and normal. And I'm like, I don't have that. But really, truth be told, I mean, it wasn't about forgiving them. I had to really learn how to forgive myself because I thought I had failed. as a person, as a mother and all those things. So my biggest lessons came from writing the book and going through that experience and I wouldn't change any of that.

Victoria Starr: Like just seeing you and the awareness of when you're like, shit's got to change. It's not working. Like just seeing you in that space of like, all right, I'm stepping into my knowing my awareness, like shifting through the noise of the chaos, right? And then having that awareness of, all right, let's do a path, let's take a different path. And then being able to, like, there's such profound wisdom and strength in the forgiveness of self. And that creates what you talked about before is building that self-trust first. And I think those two just go so hand in hand is once you forgive yourself so that you can forgive others and that builds that self-trust so that you can keep creating that awareness that I don't have my shit together. I don't know.

Marsha VanW: I'm only laughing because people assume, and it's actually, it's a little bit of a trigger for me, but when people are like, wait, you're so strong, it's easy for you. And I'm like, oh my God, that's your story. I'm not telling you that. Like I'm not saying that's your perception of me. I'm being very real in saying that it's been a challenge to navigate through this. And it did require, it did require me to really step into a masculine energy. I'm not gonna lie. And I've probably spent my entire life in that energy. when things were the worst, I had to be that version of me. And I'm a fighter at heart. Like there's no question I will take on every, I took on every fight I ever had, but now I don't need to, but I did. I did. I was really good at it. And so that was how I survived. But it wasn't until 2020 that I really hit me that it's like, I have not taken a moment to breathe. Like, I have not taken a moment to slow down, to heal, to listen to what I need. Like, I perceived a lot of the feminine work, honestly, as being like, that's weak. Like, I don't have time for that. I don't have time for that. And so that's how I perceived it. And of course, what we resist persists. And eventually there came a point that I was like, Oh, it's actually really powerful to step into that work. And that's, that was my learning curve. I would say over the last four years has been one of my most powerful lessons is that I don't have to be the fighter on every single thing that I cross. And I really get to choose where I put my energy. And it's actually equally, if not more powerful to learn how to step into your feminine energy.

Victoria Starr: Yeah, that and and I'm going to come back to like our age demographics like that's what I learned too is you do the doing even in society says like the doing comes first everything else maybe comes later but you do all the things and then that I have learned at my change in my life, I say the first 50 years as a learning lesson. And now it's unpacking and growing and evolving and changing to the version of me that I was always meant to be in this life. But I had to go through that first half of my life to be able to have the lessons and be able to share the story. So like that, I see very clearly of the doing. And now It takes a lot of energy and a lot of work to, for me specifically, to go, OK, I'm doing again. it feels really good, it feels really easy, but that's the safety zone, right? How can I step into that feminine flow? How can I be vulnerable? How can I cry? I mean, just allow myself to cry and have the tears. That is such vulnerability and that's so empowering to be able to release that. It's almost like the stacks of bricks and the pianos that I've been holding so long, I get to let go of. Those backpacks that are holding all this shit, I get to release, right? And be in that feminine flow of like, I don't have to do it all.

Marsha VanW: It's so powerful what you just said. And I mean, we come from a time where it was majorly criticized to cry. Like, it's not like it was, don't show your emotions. It was like criticized to cry. And so it's not a default of mine. I do have to say that, but I've also had like, when I get to a point where it's like, okay, I'm crying at the commercials, I'm crying at like reruns that I've seen. I'm like, what are you doing? Like, what's the matter with you? And it's so funny that that's the default question, but it really is. It's like, Oh, I've got something pent up. I have to release like, this is something that is, I mean, it's not about the commercial. It's not about this. It's that my body is holding onto something right now. And I'm learning how to listen to it. I have had, you know, I, we share that in with Meg, for example, she helped facilitate my breakthrough day in my, in our master practitioner. And during that experience, everybody broke the board and you could see like everyone's celebrating, celebrating. I broke the board. I probably sobbed for 10 minutes, like all out visceral sob. And it actually scared me because I was like, I don't know what this is and I don't know what's wrong. And it's just this, it just like released. And that was a moment, that was a life-changing moment for me because I mean, when you spend your life holding and pushing it down, you don't know how to feel and the emotions become big and scary. And so this was part of this process. And I mean, I'm a very changed person since learning how to release that viscerally. It's not my default. I can say, honestly, my default is lose your shit. And then it's like, Ooh, that's not my best version of myself. What's happening. And then I like circle back to what am I not doing for myself? I really do always, I do say this, I work on coming back to ownership first, because if I start to see a side of myself that I'm not really proud of, I just stop and I'm like, why am I doing that? And it's like, what am I not doing for myself right now that I know that I need? And sometimes this sounds so silly, but I just want listeners to be able to hear this in the sense that your permission slip could be a nap. Like your permission slip could be like shutting your phone down and going out for a walk. It doesn't have to be this major life changing thing. It's like those permission slips every day. And so when I feel myself not being my best self, it's like, I'm not doing the things that I know I need to do to process those emotions on a regular basis. I still have moments of frustration. I still have my moments where I lose my shit. I hundred percent do. But my rebound is a lot faster than it used to be.

Victoria Starr: I want to bring forth the awareness of that response versus sorry the react versus the response and I want to say response is like this smooth and if you could see me if you're listening like it's just this smooth response where the react is this reactive or fire rage that comes into place, right? And so for me, like I know when I'm in that reactive state, I'm like, first of all, hold up. you need a timeout. Like not in a bad way, like when I was a little kid, I needed to go to my room. I just need to step away from this situation because like what you said, something has been triggered within that programming of what I have experienced in my former zero to seven years, right? And so generally it's what does she need, my little inner child? What does she need at the time? to allow those emotions to come through and then come back as the adult and go, okay, I see what's happening. This, and this is the ownership piece. And this is something that again, full body goosebumps, because this is something I've really been leaning into these last couple of months is taking the ownership and the responsibility of my part that I have played in the shit storm and the chaos that I've caused. And being, being in a safe space of a relationship and a friendship, romantic partnership that I can be vulnerable and have the trust that I can be seen and heard because that's all we want is to be seen and heard as humans. Right. Um, and so taking that ownership of how I reacted, explain the, um, the inner child and how she received her life, go back and love on her and be able to move forth. And that's where that safe. trusting relationship is, and whether it's, like I said, a friendship or a romantic relationship, and that is such a huge part is to take that pause. There's something that I love that you say, and I really, really love it when you bring it into the space, and it's about the cup and the saucer. Could you share that, please?

Marsha VanW: Yeah, absolutely. So the cup and the saucer, I heard this, I heard Lisa Nichols say this, I don't even know, probably, nine years ago and I actually was in a space where I was feeling like I want to share my story but I don't know how to do it because I don't know how to be respectful and I but I felt called but it didn't make any sense. Somebody gifted me a ticket at that point in time to go to, it was a seven day event. And it was a personal development event in Las Vegas of all places. I'm not a Vegas girl, but it was just really, it was, it was an incredible experience. Lisa Nichols was one of the speakers there and she's an incredible speaker. And she gave an analogy that is forever stuck with me. And I use it all the time is the cup and the saucer. So the cup. We all have our cup, we hear fill your cup to overflow. The thing is, is that when you fill it to overflow, the overflow goes to the saucer. We are as, as givers and humans that who give a lot, we give to others from our overflow, what's in the saucer, not what's in the cup. And so if you think about it that way, in the sense, like, what are you doing to fill your cup every day to overflow so that you have something in your saucer to feed others? And it's, I can guarantee you, absolutely guarantee you, majority of the population is walking around with a bone dry cup, pissed off that their cup is dry, waiting for someone else to come and fill it. And that is like that, you can see now from that perspective, it's like, no wonder we've got all these people feeling this way. but the thing is you want you want to take so much ownership of your cup because this is the ownership piece like no one is coming to fill your cup for you you have to fill it you have to prioritize what it needs and how can you fill it and i say the other thing that's actually really challenging as a human is you can do an incredible job today filling your cup And tomorrow you wake up and you have to start over again. So it doesn't carry over. It doesn't, it's cumulative. The work that you do with yourself is cumulative, but the cup itself is dry. So now take that in the perspective that, you know, if we wake up, we had a really crappy night's sleep. We've got a full day of work. We've got all these things that we have to do. We're not prioritizing ourselves. We come in with this tiny bit of chip of resentment that's on our shoulder that comes into our work. People can feel it. We all feel energy. And now it's like, when am I going to get time? Like, when is that my responsibility? And I, again, fire, like, I'm great. I was great at throwing that fire. But again, back to ownership of recognizing, like, when I behave that way, what am I not doing for myself? And almost always it's like, ooh, that cup is bone dry. And this is a tough one for women. My husband is great. He's great. But I don't even know how many years he would say, just tell me what you need. I'm like, why do I have to tell you? Why do I have to ask? And it would just be so frustrating. But now it's like, you know what, I do need help. This is what I need, this is what I need, this is what I need. I'm very, very clear on what I, like, very clear. Unapologetically, I ask. I don't wait for him to have to figure it out. He's very good at figuring things out, but it's this piece of, like, don't be afraid to ask for what you do need help with. The other thing that happens subconsciously, we're building some self-worth muscle. We don't even realize it, but we're building some self-worth muscle. And that is only gonna help us in the big picture. And I know that people might say, okay, but I do ask and nobody listens. And that might be the case. Sometimes that's the people that we're surrounding ourselves with, but also asking from an energetic space of like, I could really use some help. I could really use some help today. Could you help with this? Could you do this? And it's just being clear with that. So I feel like that cup and saucer that has been such a staple in my life that I use it and I check in on every day on it because it really is a compass in my life.

Victoria Starr: It's such a huge analogy. And when I heard you say it, Like, oh yeah, I am always saying like, fill your cup. And the piece that stuck with me the most is on a daily, first thing in the morning. Like you just think about it, it's like rinse and repeat, but not in that habitual pattern, but in that energetic pattern of like, oh, overnight you consumed it, now you get to refill it. Like that's the shift, not that you have to, is you get to refill it. So would you be open to sharing how you fill your cup?

Marsha VanW: I love this question. So, and I love that you said this because I think I want to give permission to anybody who's listening. You get to fill your cup however fills your cup. And I'm talking about something that like fills the soul and feels good. So, you know, for years, no surprise, my filling my cup was do the hard burnout workouts to like absolute fatigue, right? My poor little nervous system was just shot all the time. But that's that's what I thought was like achievement. That's what felt good. Yeah, I did that. And I didn't make time for consistent sleep. And I didn't do those things. So I've really learned now like my cup, it's not about filling my cup every day to overflow. It's like how in tune with my cup can I get for what I need today. And I listen and I ask, And so, you know, I've really become a much better master of my schedule than I used to be. I work really, really hard, but I also respect what my schedule is. So here's a great example. Yesterday, I was probably on zoom for 10 or 11 hours. Before that would have been a badge of honor, right? But last night, I finished my last call, I had some things I had to do. And I'm like, Oh, we're done. We're just done. We're shutting it down. We'll deal with it tomorrow. We're done. I made my tea. I have my nighttime sleep like rituals that I do. I do have a very like, sleep is not easy for me. So I have a routine. And I have a time that I'm usually in bed by I have a tea that I I normally have at night. I don't eat after a certain time because I, I value having the sleep. And so I do those pieces of it. I know morning it is, I do move my body, um, every day in some way, shape or form. I have a crazy energetic dog who we walk probably 45 minutes twice a day. That's what we do. She's very, like, she just has a lot of energy. So we, we do that and I move and then I probably strength train anywhere between three to five times a week. And it varies on what it is. I do journaling. I do. I also don't get caught up in if like I didn't journal today. So I'm not going to have a successful day. I don't do that either. I just, I'm very forgiving and how I do it. The other thing I've really doubled down on that I cannot stress enough for me personally has been a lot of my own subconscious through programming tools, my hypnosis I do every day.

Victoria Starr: Please let's talk about that. What's I mean, for the longest time, I didn't know what NLP is. So let's drop that in here. I just want to be clear that everyone in the The world listening to this show has full understanding of the magic that you put out into the world.

Marsha VanW: I appreciate that because this, again, this was the magic. I didn't even know four years ago how it was going to change my life, but it did. NLP is neurolinguistic programming. It's understanding the language of the mind, the thoughts that we think, the words that we use creates the world that we have. and the world that we're seeing in the world that we're creating. And we don't realize the power of our thoughts and our words. Again, we're always in a space of say positive things. No, I'm talking about like the real root cause of what we're thinking, what we're saying, what we're doing. And so here I was, I thought NLP was honestly all about sales. I'm going to say that. I did think it was, because I didn't know. And I was actually in the hospital, I had just had a fairly emergency back surgery, almost didn't make it twice. I had some pretty scary experiences in that hospital. And I had this clear moment when I was in there by myself, so during the pandemic I was completely by myself. You know, you're trying to advocate for yourself. I'm trying to advocate that something is seriously wrong with my health. I'm like, I'm texting my husband going, something is seriously wrong. I'm in trouble. Like I know it. I know I'm in trouble. And he's like, keep like, keep pushing to get help. So we do need that fighter side. I just want to say that. Yeah. And here I was in the hospital and I happened to see something on NLP and how it can help you to release old stuck emotions, old beliefs, patterns, limiting beliefs, And it's a key part of healing. And I went, Oh, that's interesting. And I started to read it. And I had always thought of healing as like the physical body healing, but I hadn't really taken the time to understand that. No, it's more than that. And so when I really started to look at it, I thought, huh, that's interesting. Cause I've always been about, we just changed the story. You do the work, you change the story. what I was missing was this piece that we are holding onto so much subconsciously that it is like, it's weight on our body. It's stress on our body. So here I was rebuilding my spine in the hospital after losing my job in a pandemic, titanium everywhere, not almost surviving twice because of a reaction that I had to meds that they gave me and learning how to walk again. And I went, I think I'm supposed to do that. And I signed up for it in the hospital, made no sense whatsoever.

Victoria Starr: And it never does make sense when the universe aligns with what you should, what you should. what you're doing. Right. It never makes sense. Yeah. No, it's like, I don't know. You don't have a job. What are you doing? And it's like you writing your book, like it didn't make sense. So you leaned into it.

Marsha VanW: Yeah. So I leaned into it. I did six months with my practitioners and it was kind of an initial like scratch on the surface. It really was, it was an awareness. It was an understanding. I learned some things And then I took probably like six months, eight months to really just embody what I had learned. I really fell in love with EFT tapping, emotional freedom technique tapping. And that's like having full body acupuncture. You're really helping to change at the cellular level what your thoughts are and what the messages that are that you are wiring. And so I really started to fall in love with that. I'm like, that's fascinating. And then I heard the thing, go take your master practitioner. I'm like, okay, that makes no sense. Like, I don't know how I'm gonna pay for that too. We're gonna do this. And so I did, and I did my master practitioner in 2022. And then I felt the surge of take your trainers. Trainers is a month long course where you learn how to teach those skills to others now. So now I get to run my own coaching certification. So speaking of not having any proof, that this was going to work completely going on a whim when life was very scary and chaotic, it made no sense. But that's what I decided to do is really dive into it. But I also started to embody the skills and the tools and really practicing. So, you know, in the process, we learn a lot about timeline therapy. And as you referred to earlier, You know, you're, no matter what you're doing personal development wise, which is amazing, celebrate yourself for doing it. I always say, and it's not my, it's not my quote. It's my last quote that I love is like, you're in the backseat of the car doing the personal development, reading the books, listening to the podcast, doing all the things, right. This is, this is amazing. But the eight year old still has the keys. And she's driving that car like a freaking maniac all over the place. And you're screaming at her to stop and you're fighting yourself. So the first time I did an inner child healing, I thought this is just ridiculous. Like seriously, this is just, and it was probably the most transformational speaking of crying. That was where I had a major release. And I realized when I looked at as an example, if I can share. I look at my picture of myself at seven years old and I do not see a happy child. I see a very lost child, one who's sad, one who had to grow up long before she was supposed to. And in this space of like empty, I see emptiness. And the thing is, is that if she feels really empty, she is forever searching outside of herself for validation, for proof, for, you know, justification for all these pieces. And that was me, I was 100% me. And so I really did this inner child healing work and really kind of went all in on myself. And that's nervous system work that has been, you know, I say subliminal subliminals are when you have a message your subconscious mind can hear, that's underneath the sound of the music. I will listen to those for a couple hours a day. I do a hypnosis every day. I focus on the power of my thoughts and my words. Where am I going? Not where I've been. Where am I going? What am I focusing on? And through that process, combined with things I've learned through Meg, things I've learned about you know, how do we heal our system and how do we teach it to expand and be able to hold more has been a game changer for me. It's been an absolute game changer for me. And through that process, I learned that I can't make it, everything means something about me. If I'm winning, it doesn't mean that, oh my God, I'm killing it and I'm a success. And then if I am not winning that, you know, I suck and I'm terrible. Like it's that, that was the languaging and the messaging that would happen before. I don't have the same wins that others do. I'm not as good as they are. I am like, all I see is the things that are not working. So subconsciously these messages were running nonstop for me. And what happens because of that, quick, quick thing. What happens because of that is, is that we push harder, right? Consciously is only 5% is, is how our brain capacity, our body is 5% is our conscious mind. That's our goal setter. We're great at setting goals. Goal getter is our subconscious mind. And that's the 95%. That's where all of those limiting beliefs and everything live. So you can set the goal. but you cannot, you will not achieve a goal that you subconsciously do not believe is possible. So you have to really start to understand this piece. And I can just say firsthand, like firsthand the changes in myself and in my business in the last year, nine day, unrecognizable, honestly, unrecognizable. And that has come from doing this work on myself for my own self care, It's just non-negotiable. I always say if people could see what we do, what I do on a regular basis, it's hours a day. It's hours a day of recognizing that power, but it's so powerful and it's so healing when you do that. And that requires me to be aware of what am I doing? What am I saying? What am I thinking? How am I handling something, right? Those pieces have been an absolute game changer.

Victoria Starr: Yeah, I think, and you brought into the space too, that it's the pattern interrupt. It's like, yeah, you can see, like for me, I call it the shitter, the toilet bowl swirl, right? I'm going into that swirl. How am I pulling myself out? And it's that pattern and interrupt. It's that conscious awareness of, oh, checking my cup. What have I done for myself today? And then learning and building that self-trust and that you've said it before is that that awareness of like, yes, I'm doing this for me. It's that it's that. It's just that self-trust, like I get to show up for myself.

Marsha VanW: Yeah, I when you change the words to I from I have to to I get to it really does again. What it does is it also increases your own self-worth. And are somebody that is not something that's not ego friendly, it's like, please, for anybody who's listening, that is not ego, that is just a space of like heart led self awareness and self trust. And I believe when you do this, what happens is that you raise the floor of your self worth. And when you raise the floor of your self worth, Like, I think Jamie, I'm not going to say the quote right. Jamie Kern Lima says, it is not like we don't, just one second. We will not rise to the level of our self-confidence. We always fall to the level of our self-worth. Our self-worth is, so we think we have to raise the ceiling, right? Raise the roof for women, do all these things. I'm not saying that's not important, but if we raise the roof of what's possible, but we keep the worth of self, like the self-worth floor way, way, way down here, we crash. like we crash when we come back down so instead what has to happen is we have to raise our own floor of our self-worth and the only way we could do that is check in every day what feels good what do i need respecting what we need following through having good boundaries being around people who fill that like you have to do those things and i can say that that work alone has changed my life and business more than any strategy work I have ever done.

Victoria Starr: I love that. It's just that radical responsibility. Yeah. Owning your own choices in life and that radical responsibility. And Like for me lately, it's been leaning into, of course, I'm a breathwork facilitator, so it's like, all right, how many times have I done breathwork this week? Like what am I holding on to? Where is that chaos and where am I being reactive to? So that is for me like this huge opportunity to release the shit. And then, like, I've really been leaning into the Kundalini practice. Like, I love tapping into the breath. That brings me into such awareness in the present moment, instead of sitting in the swirl of the past shit and stories that the mind, that subconscious mind goes down. And also, like, that future predicting. I have no control of the future. Like, and there's no perfection. Perfection is such an illusion that who says what's perfect, right? So it's coming back to my breath and that Kundalini practice. And it's not journaling. It's not the perfection. It's no shame and no guilt if I don't get to it that day. But maybe what can I do in that moment before I fall asleep is, what was the best part of my day? Or three things I'm grateful for. That's it. And the gratitude isn't about, oh, I'm grateful for my talk that I had with Marsha. No, I'm grateful for this talk that I had with Marsha to connect on this deep cellular level that we can empower other women. And it's really like getting into the juicy meat of the gratitude. is what I really like to hone in on. And it's also the sleep. How am I falling asleep at night? Last night I watched a movie. My thoughts were spinning all night long. And I'm like, wow, what purpose did that serve me? It really didn't. So it's still having that awareness of like, oh, when I do something that the old me would have done, how can I shift and change that? And having that grace and that compassion for self.

Marsha VanW: Yeah. You're just like, everything you're saying is just absolute gold. Like I could not agree more. And I feel like as humans, where we make the mistake is, is that you, you, yes, you have self-awareness. That's the only way you're going to be able to change anything, but we do self-awareness and then we immediately follow up with shame, criticism, and judgment of ourselves. And I promise like for anyone who's listening that the second you do that, you are allowing those thoughts to stay there and live. So you might say, I don't want that, but you are keeping it alive by thinking it and saying it. And so it has to become an awareness without shame or judgment and recognizing that, wow, I did that again. Okay, that's interesting. And I always just use, I use that's interesting because it's neutral, right? We want neutral words. And it's just like, that's interesting. Wow, what did I miss today? What's not working today? And, you know, I'm really, like I say, I really covet my schedule and I'm good with it. And then I do have days that are longer. So it was like, even this morning, I still have things I had to get done. And I went, you know what? No, I am going to fill my cup today. This morning is my time. I need that time for me. And I just like, it was like, oh, this is really nice. I could do this all the time. Oh, so good, because I was listening to what I needed. and it's a pause in the day, but I guarantee you I'm able to bring different energy this afternoon because I did that, right? I get to do these things. I get to do these things. This is the power of it. And so everything you're saying is like absolutely gold. I would just, that's the only thing I would say is anyone listening, that when you have the self-awareness, do not follow it up with shame, judgment, or criticism, because you will keep those feelings that you say you don't want alive. And our subconscious mind is brilliant. It loves, like, It would rather, it's the path of least resistance. It always wants to keep you safe. And so we will always gravitate towards what we don't want, even though we say we don't want it. because it is easier than moving forward, right? We'd rather have the uncomfortable familiar than the uncomfortable unknown. That's what we want. And so we have to build that safety within ourselves in whatever process that is. So I love that you said the pieces and breath work and everything. And I mean, I've done, I've been doing breath work. There's a hypno breath work. I've been doing pieces of this. It's experimenting with all of the things. This year I've really embodied Like saunas, infrared saunas have been something so good for my system and my nervous system. And then I've also done a lot of contrast therapy with cold, cold plunges and saunas. And it, I just, I feel like this unwinding that happens. So, I mean, there's an abundance of tools and things that you can use. Keep trying until you find something that works for you, but there's so much available to try.

Victoria Starr: Yeah, there is so much. And what feels good for you in this season may not feel good for you in the next season. So permission to change and to shift too and to grow with your practice of whatever it is. So I want to be respectful of your time and we could go on and on because there's so many different things. We're just gonna have to have you, I'm gonna have to have you back on, Marcia. Thank you so much for being here. I would love for you to share your favorite quotes and how my listeners can find you.

Marsha VanW: First off, you can find me anywhere on social media where you just start typing Marsha Van W because my name is long so I've literally my website everything is Marsha Van W I've just made it easier for you. I'm not going to say the quote right but I am going to share it in a sense that it is the Brene Brown quote about the man in the arena. And I think that this is my interpretation and how I use it is that when we, um, when you choose to live your life on the arena floor, you're going to get your ass kicked. It's going to get kicked. It's just part of life. It's going to happen, but you get to choose who you take your advice from. And so I am in a space. It took me, this was a really quick switch that happened for me is that when things were the most chaotic, And everybody had advice for us. They certainly did. But I remember saying to a family member, are you offering to walk in my shoes so I could maybe go somewhere else for a week and just rest because I can't even see straight. And it was like, you could see the face. I'm like, oh, you're not? Then I'm not interested in your opinion. So I really feel like the quote talks about, you know, are they in the arena with you, I actually like to take it one step further, because those arenas hold like 50,000 people, I don't need 50,000 people in my arena floor with me who's on the arena floor with me. because if I have somebody in the cheap seats spitting down advice at me, but they're not willing to come down and walk with me, not interested, just not interested, right? Again, I don't need to react and lose it. I'm just not interested in what they're saying. But if you're on the floor with me walking beside me, that's where I get my support and advice from is people who are in like in doing the work. So that's my interpretation of the arena floor and how I use it. And I still use it to this literally every day.

Victoria Starr: I love that. I love that. Permission to set the boundaries of those people that are up in the cheap seats too, right? And let the listeners know, what are your podcasts?

Marsha VanW: So my solo podcast is called Own Your Choices, Own Your Life, which I think we've referred to those words many times in the show, which I love. And that is just nearing 700 episodes, which is absolutely crazy. I love it. I love it. And our combined show is called Every Body Holds a Story. And we're about over probably over 100 episodes on that show. So that is a really You know, so we talk a lot more about bodies and stories on that show. And on my solo show, I get to interview guests who've walked through really difficult situations and they're doing something in their life now because of what they've walked through. And it's a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful thing. It's, it's so incredible. Even when I wanted to start my podcast, I had so many people say like, where are you going to find people to talk about difficult stories? And I'm like, apparently it wasn't that hard because yes.

Victoria Starr: Everyone. Yeah.

Marsha VanW: Lots of people, lots of people doing incredible work.

Victoria Starr: Yeah. And this human journey. Uh, thank you for that. And lastly, um, I ask all my guests on the show, a question that's, um, a question that I ask everyone that you don't know that's coming, but if you could go back to a younger version of yourself, what would you tell yourself and why? Hmm.

Marsha VanW: I actually have thought of this many times over. What I would tell her is that she's in for a ride. She's in for a ride, and it's not going to be an easy ride. How old is she? I actually think I go back to that picture at seven, is where I would go back to at seven. And I would say, you're in for a ride, and it's not going to be an easy ride. And you don't have to do it alone. And I think this is the big one, is that you always know the answer. You might not like the answer, but you always know the answer. So trust in knowing what the answer is.

Victoria Starr: Oh, that's power. You may not always like the answer, but trust in the knowing of the answer. That's power, pure power. Thank you for that, Marsha. Thank you so, so much for being here. I'm so grateful. It was so much fun to hear your wisdom. Wisdom is my word for 2024 and to share this space with you. And thank you for being of service to other women and men, um, for owning their story, for sharing, giving them the courage to share their vulnerabilities. So thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me.

Marsha VanW: I'm grateful to be here.

Victoria Starr: Yes. Until next time. Thank you all for being here. Thank you for listening to the show. Be sure to follow Marsha on all the social platforms, her website, her podcast and all the things. You are the heart and soul of Living Raw and Radiant. Take this energy, this courage, and infuse it into every moment of your life. Remember, you have the permission to choose you. I invite you to stay connected, keep shining your light, and continue to embody the essence of Living Raw and Radiant. Together, we are igniting a movement of empowerment, authenticity, and soulful living. Until next time, my friends, keep living your soul's desires.